that time on the train, way back

and here it is...again...what was once tucked away in a safe, cool, possibly dry, place. secret ingredient being dark, pitch black to be exact. my head. some want to claim it is my soul. i don't know about that. is this going to be funny ? or sad ? mean ? I have no fucking clue. it's hard to write and be critical of other people's writing, you'll kill your own. drowned at birth. how will you know it's worth anything ? the more i get involved in new things, the more and painfully so, i am aware of my inadequacies. i suck! i don't know what that measurement is. i don't know anything about correct punctuation or anything. my vocabulary shrinks like a prune or at best a raisin. how are they still shrinking anyway? aren't they preshrunk? in the box? they used to be pleasantly plump, they won't shrink anymore. and this makes me think of "benny and joon " and how incoherent i am, jumping from one subject to the next or another as there is no structure. there is no next. i connect the dots and leave some suspended......in the cryptic air.

today i sat on the train reading another book about garbo. a monster of a book if you ask me. and suddenly the guy across from me is having a woody allen moment talking into the camera, the camera being me. that's what i thought right there, " is he really talking to me ?"..." boy you don't see anyone reading about garbo anymore...she lived right around the corner from me when i was a kid. i saw her, she had very clear eyes...what does that book say about her ?...she was a....you know...bi...right at least bisexual. is she alive still? no ? 1990 ? wow 85. she had this jamaican lady helping her and holding her by the arm. ( by this time he's embodying garbo as an octogenerian and a very frail lady clinging to her jamaican guide in the middle of the aisle ) my mother passed last year so we only gave up the apartment then. then there was this very famous politician jewish guy....a doctor...what was his name...kissinger! he lived around too. and there was a restaurant that closed down...billy's...she would go there a lot. i'm jewish. huh so you're not from here? yeah? you look european. i was gonna say polish, you look like you could be polish or jewish yeah. i like to learn about stuff, reading about all different things...and a documentaries! yeah you read an article about mike tyson? on the new yorker? what did it say ? did he talk about cus? and when he was upstate ? yeah it was touching. he did a show. about himself, gave a talk. a lotta people don't know he is good at that, writing. i'm brian, nice to meet you."