Most recently...traipsing past a bus station next to a half sleeping mall, the midget sized kind, two men, a small one with a full head of dark hair slightly greying and the other one shaved almost bald. Well used clothes like migrating workers, not sure if they were sailors or simple workers... howl and hiss after me " nice assss........nice pussssyyyy...". I barely bat an eye, so used to it, but I roll both my eyes and stare ahead. Myself wearing very battered and roomy leather boots, grey tights, a dress, a sexless ( wtf with that word anyway?), straight, green jacket down to my knees, no makeup! and a brown scarf. The only visible skin on me is half my upper face.

a post from march 1st 2010

a starry night

with a full moon, the longest, aimless walk gave a reward of the best meal with a heartfelt most terrific conversation, a very random conicidence meeting with an old friend at the subwaystation and proceeded into moments of human tragedy. the homeless women were two, one sitting mumbling on the other side of me and the other lying down, sleeping. she wet herself three times, her friend yelled at her to get her pants up and have a little self respect. how am i so damn lucky?
i asked a fellow trainpassanger if there wasn't anything we could do. we exchanged words. he was close to seventy i presume. we got out on my stop then he insisted on carrying my bag. we went to the subway attendants to see if they could or would do anything. i felt uneasy as he insisted on carrying my bag down the stairs and onward in my direction. i briskly walked to my street where he studdered " here's my number " my heart sank even further than it had from the train ride. i was amazed at my frankness when i asked him " what for? a romantic thing? " he then said " for..for...anything" my heart raced, somewhere in my stomach, and i said " no i'm sorry. that's not possible and i think it's best you keep your number, goodnight." i then hurried back home, which seemed an impossibly long walk, thinking " what the hell have i gotten myself into? this man could be albert fish for all i know". i felt dizzy i was so scared...

two cats don't have too much to say

darkness engulfing a peculiar building in front of cliffs in a valley. solar powered christmas lights dangling in the invisible wind. house once run by child molesters, kept safe under the catholic wing. now long after their expiration, transitioning into a loving home. on top of the rock behind the house, a giant cross against the sky. windows all around the house, no drapes. who's watching? circling the house and maybe sticking a hand in the one kept open for the cats to get in or out. the walls heavily paneled as are the ceilings and floor. a huge part of the house is being worked on. the upper level closed off by a wire string holding the door back, slightly ajar. before the cats came, you could hear herds of mice scurrying across the ceiling above you. every room featuring a different wallpaper psychedelia.

slightly nervous about spending a night since the last time. make that six nights. all alone in the middle of practically nowhere. what happened last time was when sleeping in the communal hall of the house, waking up in the middle of the night to being pulled out of the body to the foot of the bed. and sensing something very evil entering or possessing, if you will. the room shaking and feeling that evil entity overtaking and strangling. couldn't remember that at first when waking up but feeling inexplicably tired the day after. like battered.

was it a dream in the in between or a message ? they say people who had invisible friends in their childhood are...sensitive. i sure as fuck had one.

that time on the train, way back

and here it is...again...what was once tucked away in a safe, cool, possibly dry, place. secret ingredient being dark, pitch black to be exact. my head. some want to claim it is my soul. i don't know about that. is this going to be funny ? or sad ? mean ? I have no fucking clue. it's hard to write and be critical of other people's writing, you'll kill your own. drowned at birth. how will you know it's worth anything ? the more i get involved in new things, the more and painfully so, i am aware of my inadequacies. i suck! i don't know what that measurement is. i don't know anything about correct punctuation or anything. my vocabulary shrinks like a prune or at best a raisin. how are they still shrinking anyway? aren't they preshrunk? in the box? they used to be pleasantly plump, they won't shrink anymore. and this makes me think of "benny and joon " and how incoherent i am, jumping from one subject to the next or another as there is no structure. there is no next. i connect the dots and leave some suspended......in the cryptic air.

today i sat on the train reading another book about garbo. a monster of a book if you ask me. and suddenly the guy across from me is having a woody allen moment talking into the camera, the camera being me. that's what i thought right there, " is he really talking to me ?"..." boy you don't see anyone reading about garbo anymore...she lived right around the corner from me when i was a kid. i saw her, she had very clear eyes...what does that book say about her ?...she was a....you know...bi...right at least bisexual. is she alive still? no ? 1990 ? wow 85. she had this jamaican lady helping her and holding her by the arm. ( by this time he's embodying garbo as an octogenerian and a very frail lady clinging to her jamaican guide in the middle of the aisle ) my mother passed last year so we only gave up the apartment then. then there was this very famous politician jewish guy....a doctor...what was his name...kissinger! he lived around too. and there was a restaurant that closed down...billy's...she would go there a lot. i'm jewish. huh so you're not from here? yeah? you look european. i was gonna say polish, you look like you could be polish or jewish yeah. i like to learn about stuff, reading about all different things...and a documentaries! yeah you read an article about mike tyson? on the new yorker? what did it say ? did he talk about cus? and when he was upstate ? yeah it was touching. he did a show. about himself, gave a talk. a lotta people don't know he is good at that, writing. i'm brian, nice to meet you."